Wisdom for the Single-Parent Contemplating Marriage

I never thought that I would get married right in the middle of my son going through adolescence.  If it were up to me, I would have waited until he had graduated from high school and gone off to college.  I would have been in my early forties, but I wasn’t planning on having any more children.  I wanted to dedicate myself to raising a black man and giving him the tools to go out into society and not make the mistakes that his parents did.

Well, God had other plans for me.  I met my husband on the mission field in Jos, Plateau State, in Nigeria.  I wasn’t looking for him and he wasn’t looking for me.  It was a God thing, plain and simple.  The complicated thing was that we decided to be obedient to God and marry for purpose.  It was a very complicated situation, as my faith in God and what He was doing would not make it easy for my family to understand.  I struggled with how to tell my son who I was very close to.  I did not bring men around him.  I had plenty of male friends, but I did not get involved seriously because of my son.  This would be an adjustment for him.

Now I am faced with a lot of issues around my son’s relationship with my husband.  I am empathetic.  It is a lot for both of them to adjust to.  My husband had not been around children much.  He was raised in a very strict environment by his mother and father.  There were many cultural differences that my husband could not separate from when he came to this country.  I had to constantly remind him that, while I appreciated his culture and the way they did things in Nigeria, we didn’t do things like that here in the states.  My son resented the male authority figure magically appearing overnight, even though we were apart for a year and a half.  It became a power struggle.  He did not appreciate that my husband did things and I must admit, there was no peace for awhile.  Thank God that prayer changes people and situations.  It is still an ongoing battle, but we always come out victorious.

In restrospect, I could not have done anything differently, except take my son to Nigeria with me to spend time with my husband.  The only problem was that we were newlyweds and needed that time together.  There were no teenagers around that he could hang out with.  He would have been miserable and would have made the trip miserable for me.  He also did not want to go with me to Nigeria.   So, I have some wisdom to share with my single-parent sisters who are contemplating marriage.

1. Don’t bring anyone around your children that you are not going to marry.  It is very hard emotionally for us when we choose to dissolve a relationship.  Image how tough it would be for a little person who has become attached to that person as well.  It may make it difficult for your child to trust when you get involved again.  It seems harsh, but in my opinion, it is best for the children.
2. Have discussions with your child about relationships and the fact that you desire to get married.  Talk openly about the changes that would happen in your lives as a result of this union.  You may have to merge households or move entirely.  Your child will have to get used to another authority figure.  There are certain roles that your child may have played that your husband may assume responsibility for or want to.  Talk about all of the possibilities.  You don’t have to do it in one sitting.
3. When getting involved in relationships, talk openly about your child to your boyfriend.  Find out if he likes children, has children, and/or has ever spent time with children.  Pay close attention to men with multiple “baby mommas!”  One is enough.  I am not judging.  I am just saying that if he was willing to leave the mother of his other children, it could happen to you.  Is he being responsible with taking care of his children?  You need to find this out.  Talk openly to your child about your boyfriend.  Let him know that you want to make sure that he is the one before you bring him around.  Be real with your child.  You don’t want to shock your child with a “guess who is getting married” deal like I did.  I regret it to this day.
4. When you get engaged,  set up time for your fiance to meet your child and for the three of you to spend time together.  Do this often as you can.  You want to make sure that the bonding begins and is complete by the wedding date.  It is important to have a peaceful home.  If you notice any problems, it may be a good idea for you all to seek counseling with your pastor as a family as well.  This is a difficult transition for a child to make, especially if they were set on you being with their father.
5. Have frequent discussions about child rearing with your fiance.  I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but this is your marriage and your parenting at stake here.  They are both not to be taken lightly.
6. Once married, have family meetings where all can discuss feelings and continue to build the trust and honesty.

I hope these words of wisdom will help someone.  They are not gospel, but just what comes from my heart.  I welcome your comments.

Financial Wisdom

I am a firm believer that you cannot take someone where you  have not been.  Sometimes, the very word that you speak from your mouth is the same word that you are tried by.  So, in the mist of financial struggles, a word of wisdom came to me that I would like to share with my readers.  I trust that you will be blessed by them as well.

1. Live on less than you earn.
2. Give tithes and offerings to your place of worship first.
3. Pay yourself something next.  Put at least 10% into a retirement account.  You can’t do this is you are living on more than you earn.
4. Save for a rainy day.  Trust me, there will be rainy days.  Your vehicle will need repairs.  Some appliance is bound to fail when you least expect it.  In this economy, lay offs are a normal thing.  A good formula to stand by is having a least 3-6 months of living expenses in an emergency fund.  Replenish it as you pull from it.
5. Get yearly physical exams to stay on top of your health.
6. Pay cash for everything!  This includes your vehicles.  Credit card companies are making a killing off of our need to have something right now.  We end up paying a whole lot more for it.  If you have to use the cards, pay them in full each month before the interest accrues.
7. If you are swallowed in debt, try downsizing your lifestyle until you are debt-free. 
8. Put clothes that you don’t wear in consignment.  Shop for new clothes in consignment stores or discount stores.  Give things to the poor.
9. Instead of buying a new wardrobe when it gets drab, try buying new accesories to go with what you already have. 

I hope you all found these helpful.  I pray financial peace in your households.

Prayer Group

I have had the pleasure of belonging to a women’s prayer group that started in my home by a friend of mine.  It has since evolved into a monthly meeting where we enjoy eating food, laughing, talking about hot topics, and of course we pray for one another.  The past couple of meetings have really touched my heart.  I pray that others can share in the joy that we have in fellowship with one another and honoring God at the same time. 

We have decided to honor a woman whenever we felt lead to.  The first one was a dear friend of ours who is an emergency physician in Hartford, CT.  She is a beautiful woman who is single and very generous.  She always makes herself available for her family and friends when she is able.  She travels the world frequently, as her passport book is very thick with additions.  She gives and gives to the people she loves, but never makes herself available to receive anything.  Many in the group could attest to that and we felt led to honor her.  We each came up with gift ideas that we could give her.   We read poems, gave scriptural references, inspirational teaching messages on CD and DVD, music, clothing, and coaching sessions.   It wasn’t anything grand, but it came from our heart and soul.  We washed her feet like Jesus did with his disciples.  It was a humbling experience for her to sit on the receiving side.  We were all blessed that evening.  We still prayed for one another and we were all filled when we went home. 

The second time we honored the first lady of our church.  Her birthday had passed a few days earlier and we did not do anything corporately so we decided to do something at the meeting.  Keep in mind, not all the members of our group were from our church.  We did the usual eating of the food that each woman brought.  Since we had our first lady who was married for 15 years, we decided to pull on her for some tips to a happy marriage.  We got a lot of jewels for the married women and the single women.  We shocked her with a Pandora bracelet with three charms, clothing, and the foot washing ceremony.  She was moved to tears and joy.  Each woman was blessed by seeing her blessed.  We also had an opportunity to focus in on another dear sister who we felt led to pray for.  I believe we each developed a connection that we hope will continue for years to come.

I say this to say that it is a blessing to get together as women of God to share and to enjoy each other’s company without all of the silly drama and competition.  These acts of kindness and selflessness are nourishing to the spirit and soul.  They are also encouraging and uplifting to new believers looking from the outside in.  We hope that this group will evolve again into opportunities to do things in the community and with other women as a means of evangelizing.

House on the Market, Pt. 2

I set very high expectations of myself and things that I am involved in.  I believe that God is no respecter of persons.  If he did it for person A, he definitely will do it for me.  But, sometimes things don’t always work out that way for me and I end up disappointed.  For instance, my house has been on the market for 1 week today.  I have had major traffic flowing through here with showings.  I have not heard of anyone interested in buying my beautiful home.  Two doors down is the exact same  house that sits on less land and does not have all of the charm that I have.  That house sold in one day.  Automatically, I begin to compare and wonder why my house is still sitting pretty.

I have contemplated many things, but I am not the expert.  Is it my race?  It is known in the real estate world that the majority does not buy from minorities.  Several times I have left my home for showings thirty minutes in advance, only to find that the agents and customers are outside in their cars waiting.  I am not happy about that.  I feel like a lot of prejudging can occur when that happens.  If that were not so, then why did I have to remove all of my family photos, ethnic artifacts, and anything that would let a potential buyer know that I am African American?  It is something to think about.  What is the problem about buying from someone different from you.  I bought my home from a caucasian couple.  So what?  I did not like their country flare and plain decor, but I saw myself in this house and I made it mine. 

That brings me to the other thing that I was contemplating.  Often times I park up the street so I can know when they leave and get back to my home to do my work.  I have noticed that the bulk of the people looking at my home are upper middle age caucasian couples.  The neighborhood is near the freeway in a community that is kind of sheltered from the hustle and bustle of all of the conveniences around the corner.  It consists of more elderly people than anyone.  I have seen very few children playing outside and it is very quiet at night time.  It is the ideal safe haven for anybody, except it is not diverse.  I am one of three African American families in the entire community, which includes a neighboring town.  We sit on the town line.  Our home has had many updates and has a modern comtemporary flare.  I have added recessed lighting, halogen lighting, new floors in many rooms, hardwood floors, finished basement, an office, modern bathroom updates, faux painting, and automatic garage door opener, and we have a nice gazebo in the backyard with electricity.  After surveying the neighborhood and most families that I know, a country traditional flare is more popular.  Where in the world are all of the young modern people?  Would my house sell if I paint the walls white and change the furniture.  Are you serious?

Finally, this economy is in such an upside down state that I feel in my spirit that people are weighing their options and are doing more thinking instead of impulse buying.  I have seen many deliberations outside in front of the agents cars.  I really feel that people have some interest, but something is keeping them from buying.  Is my house overpriced?  According to the market analysis, it is priced to sell.  Are the taxes too high?  Yup.  Especially since my home was assessed when the market was high along with the value.  Now, the price has dropped significantly but the assessed value is still up there when the market was booming.  Something should be done about that. 

Whatever the situation, I have come to terms that God still sits high and looks low.  He has got my life in his hand and he will never leave me or forsake me.  He is interested in my outcome and has given me a future and a hope.  My home will sell at the right time and I will get the right amount for it.  Praise be to God.

House on the Market

I remember back in the early part of the year that the Lord was speaking to my spirit about putting the house on the market.  He never did tell me what to do after that.  So, I called my realtor and she did a market analysis of our home and told us that it was going to be close to breaking even.  I told her that we would declutter our home and then get back to her about listing the property.  From that point on, I procrastinated.  Four months later, we are in a situation where we have to sell our home or it will be taken from us.  Had I obeyed the Lord and done what he told me to do when he told me to do it, I would not find myself where I am right now.  I have learned my lesson.

I say this also to say that when one values a peaceful home, putting your home on the market upsets it.  I was excited and even celebrating the day that my realtor told me that my house was officially live on the market on ten different websites.  The virtual showing was beautiful.    Then later on that evening, a man came and put the sign in the yard.  I had no idea of the emotions that would well up on the inside of me and overflow.  I was preparing a salad for a meeting that night and I wept like a baby.  I loved my home.  Someone else was about to walk through my home and stake their claim on my property.  Someone was going to come and create their own memories in my home.  My memories would have to go with me in my heart and in the hearts of my family.  Where were we going next?  So many things flooded my mind and the tears kept coming until I received a phone call from a close friend.  Then she began to cry with me.   She prayed with me and told me that we were beginning a new chapter in our lives and that I needed to flow with it and not resist it.  I received it.  I felt so much better about everything when I got off the phone with her.

I do my best to help the potential buyers feel the presence of God in our home.  I play soft music in the background.  I make sure that everything is neat, clean, and smelling good.  I pray.  Even though it is disruptive to have to leave for the viewings, I know how to restore the peace when I return.  I pray.  I know that all is well when it is in God’s hands.  I pray that the next place he plants us will be as easy to create a healthy and peaceful environment as this one.

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